The Candy Store - April 1st, today's obession: Olay regenerist daily regenerating serum (18.99, drugstore.com) works like a chemical peel and moisturizer in one; it resurfaces your skin ever so gently and you will just love how it fells when you apply it. I apply it before my moisturizer or foundation and it makes my skin feel so soft and silky.

Hot Fudge Blonde - It's not about your face in New York City, it's about the size of your ass. If you're working in the glamour business no one cares about your face because after all, the right makeup and a good colorist can do wonders. But if you have a small ass you can really go far. A lot of small asses start out in NYC as interns or beauty assistants and before you know it, they have their own TV show for doing nothing but keeping their ass small. A small ass is everything in this town. I don't have a small ass. I have a nice, round ass. The kind of ass my cat likes to knead before she settles in to bed and the kind of ass that breaks my fall when I'm skiing. But I have to hand it to my ass, it's loyal. Today is the first day of the rest of my life so I decide to pitch some more story ideas to editors I otherwise loathe but suck up to because I need the work. First up is Sarah Miller. Sarah is the darkest soul in Manhattan. She has made a profession of bartering her job as Beauty Editor at CITY magazine for anything she can get free: facials, plastic surgery, Jimmy Choo's, anything Chanel, trips to St. Barts and the most important asset, access. "Sarah it's Darcy Stewart. I have a heel envy piece I want to run by you, call me." Sarah is not a person, she's a creature. The first time I met her I was with my friend Kim who works as a publicist for a very big fashion brand that shall not be named. We'll just say she works for VBFB. We were dining at Sarah's favorite bistro because, as Kim reminded me, you must always pick a restaurant Sarah loves or she wont show up for dinner. Sarah was an hour and a half late - something I've come to learn is de rigeur for her - and when she arrived the only thing I noticed were her cheeks. They were crooked. her right cheek bone was just below her right eyeball and her left cheek bone was somewhere south of where one might want the cheek bone. It was very distracting but then her personality stepped in. "Um, I can't, I don't, is there another table available?" she mummbled to the maitre d' who scurried about to prepare another table closer to the center of the room. It was very clear by his behavior that this is how it goes when Sarah shows up. All I could think was HIGH MAINTENANCE. MAJOR NIGHTMARE. After a round of musical chairs we settle our asses (mine plush and squishy, theirs small and bone-like) into our chairs. "Oh hi. I'm sorry, what's your name?" Sarah says looking at the table, her water glass, the menu. "Oh, I'm sorry Sarah," Kim says. "This is Darcy Stewart, she's a good friend of mine, I told you about her, she's a freelance travel and beauty writer. Darcy is syndicated through Fashion Forward and also writes for Up Style." Finally Sarah makes eye contact with me "Didn't Fashion Foward close or something?" she says mummbling through pumped-up lips. "No, it was bought out and a new staff of freelancers was hired and I'm one of them," I replied. "I handle the travel pages and some beauty." Kim is now turning her head back and forth between me and Sarah like it's a tennis match when it's time to order. The waiter stands tightly next to Sarah as she spits out her orders. "I want the Loup de Mer, but take the bones out, and a plate of raw vegetables, don't forget tomatoes, and a bottle of Talbot." When we start eating I couldn't keep my eyes off of Sarah. Her lips are so gigantic they're reaching across the table while her cheekbones twisted her face into monster proportions. Small bits and pieces are hanging from her pillows. She's hunched over her plate, eyes down, touching her mouth tentatively with her hand to feel for food bits. She can't feel her lips, that's how much shit must be up them. When you're with someone like this there is only one solution; enjoy the attraction. Somewhere between the Loup de Mer and a desert of thick, creamy yogurt with honey Sarah mummbled something about my freelancing for her. It sounded like "sodoyouwanttodosomewritingforcity?" "Sure, love to," I said with enthusiasm as I watched a small drip of honey fall from her lower lip onto the plate below. Well, at least honey does have natural moisturizing ingredients. The rest is history and so began my work as a freelance beauty writer for City. The phone rings and the caller i.d. says CITY. I tense up as I reach for the phone. "Oh hi, um, so what about this heel envy story" Sarah says talking through a mouth full of what could only be vegetables since that's all she eats. "Chanel, Prada and Benefit have each come out with foot and heel moisturizers so I was thinking we could do a trend piece, you know 'put your best summer foot forward' and pair feet with some sexy strappy sandals with a side bar on products." All I can hear is her crunching on the other end of the phone. "Okay, get me the samples and write the piece, about 500 words for the June issue," she says before hanging up without saying goodbye. I make a quick note about the piece, grab my bag and run to make my noon meeting. I did a little personality adjustment on the way, since I knew I'd have to do some serious sucking up to get this next gig, and it would be ONLY about the money, not about the job.

The Candy Store - Products I'm obsessed with: Gold Souffle Creme fromThe Westin Diplomat in Hollywood, Florida (despite the nasty PR chic who handles media on site), Chap-Ice Medicated Lip Balm because it works and comes in this clever little toe-head tube, e.l.f. professional Nail Polish Remover Pads because unlike the MAC pads these actually work and they only cost $1 (like everything else e.l.f.) and Kiehl's Blue Herbal Spot Treatment, which has saved me on more than one occassion from embarassing and unsightly blips on my face.